


An Empty Space

by LadyOxymoron



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 09:18:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14691093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOxymoron/pseuds/LadyOxymoron
Summary: Magnus deals with the aftermath of the loss of his magic. Alec is there to help.





	An Empty Space

**Author's Note:**

> After the mid-season finale, I had decided I was going to forget about the angst. This fic snuck up on me and I had to get it out of my chest. After this, I'll probably go back to live in my happy headcanon made of magical Magnus, fluff, and porn. :)

Magnus was sitting on the couch, whiskey glass held loosely in his hand, lost in thought. It had been a week - _eight days_ his mind corrected - since he had lost his magic. Eight days since he had been forced to kneel on the dirty ground, holding a dying Alec in his arms, powerless to do anything but watch and wait for help as the man he loved bled out on the pavement. He closed his eyes as residual traces of the helplessness and panic he had felt wrapped around his heart once more, forcibly reminding himself that Alec was just in the other room.

 _Safe_.

He took a sip of his drink, welcoming the slight burn in his throat as the whiskey went down. Magnus supposed he should have to consider himself lucky to have walked away from his father’s realm relatively unscathed. The price he had had to pay had been enormous and yet, Magnus could think of several terrible things his father could have asked of him, his first request to stay and rule Edom by his side the most terrifying of them all. He was able to recognize the soundness of his logic but he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to be rational. Not yet. Not when the loss of his magic was still so fresh. Not when he had to face the strenuous task of having to learn how to live the mundane way. Not when he still tried to use a magic he didn’t have anymore only to come up empty, fingers itching with the lack of the spark that should have been there.

The loss of his powers had carved a hole in his chest. It was not quite despair. It was not quite pain. It was just an empty, bottomless, dark pit he couldn’t find a name for.

He downed the rest of his whiskey in one go, flexing his hand to send the empty glass to his place, only to recoil when the glass slipped from his fingers and shattered on the floor. He buried his face in his hands, frustration and hopelessness crawling their way up his throat like a rotten meal that couldn’t stay down. He felt the prickle of tears behind his closed eyelids and took a few breaths to push them back, refusing to give in. He forced himself to open his eyes, hands shaking, staring at the broken glass as if it could vanish if only he wished for it strongly enough.

Magnus snapped out of his stupor when he heard Alec’s steps approaching. He tried to put himself back together and school his face in a neutral expression, not wanting to worry Alec more than it was necessary. Alec had been supportive, understanding, providing the kind of comfort and devotion born from deep guilt. Magnus wasn’t a fool. He knew that Alec’s support didn’t come uniquely from guilt. He knew Alec loved him and would do anything in his power to be by his side, guilt or not. He also knew Alec was beating himself up for what had happened and there was nothing both of them could do to fix it. During the several, excruciating talks they had engaged in, they had come to the agreement that none of them was to blame for the unfortunate turn of events. Learning to live with it was a different matter but Magnus was hopeful they would find a way to deal with their feelings.

Alec approached him, worry etched in his already weary features. “Magnus, what happened?” he asked, eyes glancing down to the shards and back to Magnus’ face. “Are you hurt?”

“Nothing happened, Alexander,” he replied, trying to keep his voice steady. “I dropped it.”

The look in Alec’s eyes was knowing but he didn’t call Magnus on his lie. “I can see that,” he said quietly, taking Magnus’ hands in his own and turning them over as if to check for injuries. “Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

 _Not in the way you are suggesting_ , Magnus wanted to say. He shook his head instead. “It just slipped from my hand.”

“Okay,” Alec said, squeezing and releasing his hands. “Just stay here, I’ll take care of it.”

“There is no need.” Magnus raised his hand in protest, an irrational pang of irritation stabbing through his chest. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of it.”

“I know you are.” Alec smiled at him, eyes soft. “But let me.”

And he understood. Alec needed to feel helpful, to feel useful. And Magnus wasn’t sure he could bring himself to stand on steady legs just yet. He nodded. “Thank you.”

“I’ll be right back,” Alec said, smile turning softer. He squeezed Magnus’ shoulder and walked out of the room.

Magnus heard him open the cupboard door and move things around. He heard the scrape of something over the floor and Alec’s steps as he made his way back. He watched Alec walk back with a broom and a dustpan in his hands and kept watching in silence as Alec swept the floor quickly, removing the evidence of Magnus’ failure. He followed Alec’s movements as he set broom and dustpan to the side. Such an easy, mundane task for one used to do things without the use of magic. He forced back the wave of despair threatening to consume him and smiled as Alec took his seat beside him.

Magnus smiled but the hole in his chest grew deeper.

The silence stretched for a few moments, until Magnus couldn’t stand the knowing sadness in Alec’s eyes anymore. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m afraid sometimes I forget I’m not the man I used to be.”

“Don’t say that,” Alec protested vehemently, taking one of Magnus’ hand in his own once more. ”Listen to me. I know your magic was a big part of yourself and I can’t even pretend to know how you feel. But if there is one thing I know, is that you are the same man I fell in love with.”

Magnus felt tears prickle at his eyes for the second time in the span of five minutes. He nodded curtly, overwhelmed by emotion. “Thank you, Alexander.”

“I mean it, Magnus.” Alec leaned over and pecked his lips, pulling back with a tiny smile on his lips. “Everything I said, I mean it. And I’m here. Everything you need, you just have to say the word.”

In moments like these, Magnus was especially grateful for Alec. During the last week several people had come by, most of them warlocks, bringing empty platitudes and inane questions. They would ask how he was feeling, they would say how sorry they were, they would state the obvious by pointing out how hard it had to be for him. They would stare at him like a specimen pinned under glass and take their leave when their curiosity had been placated, leaving him a little hollower in the process. Magnus supposed he couldn’t really blame them. It was in the human nature of some individuals to rejoice of people’s disgraces only to feel a little better about themselves. And if some of these people were warlocks he could have beaten with his eyes closed and his hands tied behind his back, what better way to feel better about themselves than to have their fill of a disgraced and powerless Magnus Bane?

But his Alexander was different. He was one of the few people who didn’t look at him like he would shatter at any given moment. He didn’t treat him like he was made of spun glass. He said the right things and, more importantly asked the right questions. _What do you need? Is there anything I can do for you?_

Magnus heard the sound of Alec clearing his throat and realized he had been lost in thought. He turned to Alec with a smile and he was surprised to realize that he didn’t have to force it. “I know. I appreciate it, darling. But there isn’t anything I need right now.”

He left out the _nothing you or anybody else can give me back_ that threatened to slip past his lips. 

Alec must have sensed it because his face turned serious, the hands still grasping Magnus’ stilled. “Magnus, I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know we’ve already gone over this but this is my fault. If I had known the price you were going to pay I-“

“Don’t.” Magnus pulled his hand back quickly, voice coming out harsher than he intended. “Stop right there. It wouldn’t have made a difference.”

Alec reeled back but he didn’t press further. He nodded jerkily, standing up. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, hesitating just a few seconds before turning around. “I’ll be in the bedroom.”

As soon as Alec walked out of the room, Magnus sagged back on the couch, mind on the implications of what Alec was saying. They both knew Magnus would have done anything to spare Alec the pain of losing his parabatai, without even considering the guilt he felt over the part he had unwittingly played in Jace’s predicament. Right then Magnus felt a twinge of something filling the hole in his chest. He brought his hand over his heart as if with that simple gesture, he could find out what that something was. He was surprised to realize that it was, in fact, anger. Anger because in the process of preventing Alec from losing a part of himself, he had lost one of his own.

He stood abruptly, taking a few steps away from the couch as if it was responsible for the unwanted feeling. _No_ , he thought. He couldn’t afford to be angry at Alec. He had made his choice, perfectly aware of the price he had to pay for it, fully knowing what he was about to give up.

Not _because of_ Alec.

 _For_ Alec.

And that made all the difference in the world.

Magnus took a deep breath to calm himself down, mentally poking and prodding at the hole in his chest, pushing away the foreign anger filling it. Until it was once more a dark and empty pit.

When he was sure he had regained control of his emotions, he walked toward the bedroom, ready to face Alec once again. Alec was on the bed, on his side, his back facing the door. Magnus stepped inside the room quietly, opening his mouth to call Alec, the first syllable of the name getting stuck in his throat as he heard the harsh breaths coming from the bed. Somewhere inside the black pit of his chest, his heart ached.

He swallowed back his own traitor tears and walked to the bed, sitting down and placing a hand on Alec’s shoulder. “Alexander,” he murmured quietly. “I’m s-“

“No.” Alec turned around so fast, Magnus didn’t have the time to finish his sentence. “Don’t apologize. You had every right to be angry.” He paused and looked up at Magnus, eyes bright. “We’re gonna get it back, you hear me?”

Magnus didn’t need to ask what _it_ was. As much as he appreciated the sentiment, he knew only a miracle could give him his magic back. “Darling, there is nothing we can do, short of making another deal with my father.” He smiled ruefully at Alec, reaching out to stroke his cheek. “And we both know how well that worked last time.”

“We’ll find a way,” Alec said, voice rough, determination in his eyes. “I’m not gonna give up. I promise, Magnus.”

And Magnus didn’t have a doubt Alec meant every single word he was saying. His lips stretched in a small smile. “I love you, Alexander.”

“I love you too.” Was the soft-spoken reply.

Magnus reached out and cupped Alec’s face, bringing their lips together in a soft, gentle kiss. When they parted, Alec pulled him in a hug so tight it was almost painful. And Magnus leaned against him, squeezing his eyes shut, letting the touch soothe him. Letting it bring him comfort along with a fragile, fluttery feeling inside the hole in his chest.

It wasn’t quite relief. It wasn’t quite hope.

The hole in his chest was there to stay, Magnus knew. But it wasn’t as deep as he thought.

Alec was filling part of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. :)


End file.
